she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
