peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We have started to decorate penises.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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