You can't motorboat a personality
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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