there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
