sarcasm needs its own font
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
