Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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