We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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