Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
