Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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