My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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