Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
