Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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