I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I need water and some morals
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
