This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize