Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
