Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
