So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
