Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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