So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
