There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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