mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
