I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
