When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
