he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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