using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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