so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
