My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
