Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
