Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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