I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
