youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
