yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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