For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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