someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
