3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
