i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
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I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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