You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
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Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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