god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
