i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
