I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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