Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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