I CAN MOONWALK!
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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