In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
