I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
