If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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