my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
