I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
