Your face is a jimmy john
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
did i just pee glitter
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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