my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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