and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
