I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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