I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
