I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just forgot I was standing up.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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