last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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