Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
