3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
