you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
