This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
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