dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
