Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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